Pessimism, in the philosophical sense, is the belief that life is a bad bet, overall; that it would be better to have never been born. Many philosophers have held this belief, understanding it to be the correct inference from the available evidence: if you weigh up the balance of happiness and suffering in the world, you will find that suffering tips the scales to its end. Some would argue that it is not a fine balance: the scales of the universe are clearly and overwhelmingly tipped towards suffering. On this basis, only a fool would say that we are better off for being here.
I have held this view for most of my life. Pre-philosophically, it was a merely psychological sense of knowing in my bones that the world would have been better off without me. This sense was supplemented by personal suffering, through illness as a child and the isolation that comes with that. The world was already forced to suffer me, now I was being forced to suffer in it. As I grew into adulthood, slowly becoming equipped with the language of philosophy, I could articulate this view in more precise and generalised way. I knew that my suffering was nothing compared to the suffering of many, many others. I had it comparatively easy, and I desperately wanted to die. How on earth could anyone tolerate this world? Why would they? It seemed obvious to me that no one in their right mind would choose to be here. Anyone who thought otherwise simply hasn’t been paying enough attention.
‘There is only one serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide’, says Albert Camus. By the time I came to read this, as a teenager, I had already come to understand that suicide was not something I was permitted to do. I had a duty to more than just myself, and that duty wasn’t something that you could opt out of without failing in it. But knowing that I could not kill myself did not make me want to live. It only kept me trapped in an absurdity, suffering everything for nothing. Duty gave me a reason to stand my ground but nothing more than that. I needed a reason to step forward.
Camus’ Sisyphus probably gave me that reason. It was an arbitrary act of will. I chose to see the world for what it is – irredeemably unpleasant – and step into it regardless. This started a pattern of life that would continue for 25 years. Later I would call it ‘Resolute Pessimism’.
You understand that you can choose to do unpleasant things for no reason other than that you choose it. Try it, and you will find that you always have a choice, a capacity to act of will, and in that you understand that you are a thing that chooses, a thing with a will. You are your will, no more or less than that. Take everything away and only it will remain. Take away your will and you are nothing.
Illness had taken everything from me. All that remained, apparently, was my ability to read and appreciate Camus’ absurd rebellion. It spoke to a teenager. I grew from it, but I also grew out of it, eventually, because you cannot keep giving everything for nothing. You cannot live by rebellion. Something must take its place. I did not find anything in the world because I was looking in the wrong places, led astray by faulty reasons. But my resolve has led me to see the fault in my reasons, and that has pointed me in the right direction.
Resolute pessimism kept me alive. It enabled me to drag myself out of pits. It gave me what I have and made me what I am. It is not a way of life that I would recommend, but that it helped me in these ways suggests that it has something going for it. It might be a useful tool; a ladder to be used then left behind. I hope that you will never be in a pit deep enough to call for it, but who knows: the world is not kind. If you find yourself in that pit, remember that you are a mind and a will, that you can think and choose, and that nothing can take this away from you. Because that is what you are – a thing that thinks and chooses – and you cannot be separated from yourself.
None of us chooses to be here. But if you must be something, be something that chooses. And so choose, exert your will, regardless of the world and its circumstances. If you exercise your capacity for choice, you will find that you are capable of far more than you ever thought possible.
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